Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
