A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
