I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
