I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
