I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
