Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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