whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
