i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
