This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize