So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My penis needs a shock collar
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Randomize
