Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
