It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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