I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
