smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
