dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
When are your genitals available?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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