I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
