my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
