Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
