Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
