Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
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That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
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I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter