I wanna eat
then eat your cupcake
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
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That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
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Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.