I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
