I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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