what if every blade of grass was a penis?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
