mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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