whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
