dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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