Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
