God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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