I am in a vortex of obligation.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
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