Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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