1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
