My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
