I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
