Who wears a wallet chain?!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
