just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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