I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Randomize
