Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
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