i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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