So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
