Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
