The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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