I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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