Need sex. Gaining weight.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
