The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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