you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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