Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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