meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
