i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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