I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
