so explain again why im purple
no
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
