I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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