Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
