My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
