peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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